Hatter and March Hare

Chapter 8

There was a mulberry tree in front of the freshly painted big bungalow like house. Both the March Hare and the Hatter were sipping tea while reading newspapers. Right under the tree there was a table whereupon a kettle and some sugar were lying. In the middle of both the March Hare and the Hatter sat a dormouse which was tightly squeezed. It was sleeping soundly. Both the March Hare and the Hatter rested their elbows on the dormouse as if it had been a sort of a comfortable cushion.

Alice from some distance was looking at them. She had great sympathy for the dormouse.

She said to herself, ‘What a pity! How miserable the dormouse is! It is sandwiched between the two. To my mind, it is asleep.’ Alice decided to join them. So, she stepped forward.

Seeing Alice coming towards them the March Hare shouted, “There is no space here! No space at all.” Even the Hatter joined him saying, “Yes, you are correctly saying. No room for another person.”

Alice looked at the table which was quite large. There was an empty chair lying at its one end. Hearing their shouts Alice spoke to them angrily, “Keep your mouths shut; here is a lot of space for me. Look here; it is an empty arm-chair. I shall sit in it.”

Saying these words Alice took the chair and sat in it with great comfort. The March Hare looked at the Hatter in utter surprise. After some time the March Hare said to the Hatter, “Dear! A guest has come to our house. She should be served wine and some eatables.”

Hearing the words the Hatter offered some wine to Alice who looked a bit puzzled. In fact, there was no wine on the table. There was only tea-kettle. Alice looked around. But there was no trace of wine at all.

Alice said to the Hatter out of amazement, “You are talking of offering wine to me. But I don’t see any wine here. What is this all about? Are you trying to make fun of me? Tell me frankly. I see something wrong at the bottom.”

The March Hare interrupted saying, “Dear, who says that there is wine? There is not any wine, by Jove.”

The Hatter too supported the March Hare, saying, “Yes, you are right. I am not going to offer you any wine. There is only tea on the table. How can we offer you wine? It is foolish of you to think so.”

Now Alice got somewhat irritated. She said to the two in an irritating tone, “It does not behove both of you to offer me wine where there is none. You are trying to insult your guest. Fear God, even He will not spare you.”

Hearing the words of Alice the March Hare retorted, “Does it behove you to sit in the arm-chair without being invited? What rites and rituals are you talking about? Mend your ways first. Then teach us some moral values.”

Alice observed, “But I didn’t know that it is your table. It is a large table. To my mind, it is not meant just for three. A lot many can sit around it.”

Now the two got offended very much. They said to Alice in chorus, “You talk a lot, O naughty impolite girl; we had better teach you a bitter lesson. Your hair has grown much. It needs to be trimmed short. What do you say about it.”

Hearing the words Alice flew into a rage. She said to them angrily, “How dare you talk about my hair? There is no need to make personal remarks. It shows that you are not good mannered and cultured. Make sure you don’t make any comment on someone’s appearance. In fact, you have no right to do so.”

Hearing the words of Alice the Hatter looked in awe. He stared at her with his eyes wide open. After some time he said to Alice, “Can you tell me why raven looks like a writing desk?”

Alice looked puzzled. She said to the Hatter, “Let us change the topic. You have started asking me some silly question. I have no reply to your out of point question. Let us have some fun and frolic.”

But the Hatter kept mum. Alice, on the other hand, tried to remember about ravens and writing desks. After taxing her brain for a few minutes she could remember ravens and writing desks. The Hatter said to Alice, “Dear, can you tell me what day it is today?”

Saying these words he frisked his pockets for some minutes and took out a watch from his right pocket. Looking at it uneasily and uncomfortably and shaking it off and on he held it to his right ear. Seeing this unusual behaviour of the Hatter, Alice was perplexed. She recollected the words of the Cheshire cat that both the March Hare and the Hatter were foolish a bit. The cat was absolutely right.

Alice said to the Hatter, “It is fourth of the month. Am I right? What do you want to ask me?”

The Hatter heaved a sigh of relief and moved towards the March Hare. Taking a deep breath he observed, “You are two days wrong, you stupid. I told you that day that butter wouldn’t suit the work. You have made a serious mistake. You will be punished for it.”

Hearing the words of the Hatter the March Hare bowed low with great reverence and said meekly, “Sir! To my belief and knowledge, it was the best butter. I purchased it from a reputed shop. Everybody present there tasted it and he/she relished it to her/his heart’s content. How can you say this butter was not of superior quality?”

The Hatter grumbled a little bit and observed, “You fool! Don’t you know some breadcrumbs had got in it? How can you say that it was of excellent quality? One more thing that you did was out of place. You put it in with the bread knife. That was foolish on your part.”

Hearing the words the March Hare was filled with sadness. He took the watch from the Hatter and looked at it with much gloom in his eyes. Then he dipped it in his cup of tea. After dipping it in the tea he took it out and looked at in again. Then he remarked, “Sir! I still say it was the best butter. Believe me. I am speaking the truth.

I have tasted it right now.”

Alice who was hearing their conversation with great intent looked at the watch closely. She burst out in a peal of laughter. She said to herself, ‘What a funny watch it is! It is dipped in tea and still it works. It tells the day of the month. But it fails to tell the time in ‘am’ or ‘pm’. How is it possible? I must know much more about it.’

Before she could pose the Hatter any question, the Hatter retorted, “How can you say that this watch of mine is funny and does not tell ‘a.m.’ or ‘p.m.’? Can your watch tell what year it is? Be truthful. Tell me frankly.”

Alice thought for a while and then uttered, “Absolutely not. In fact, no watch tells about the year. This is because the same year stays there for a long time. Is that clear to you?”

Now the Hatter changed his stance quickly and observed, “Rightly so. This is just the case with my watch. Now you have understood each and everything.”

Hearing the words of the Hatter Alice was taken aback. She could not make out what the Hatter was trying to convey. After a little while the Hatter observed, “I think the dormouse has slept again.”

Saying these words he poured some hot tea on its nose. The dormouse was awakened with a start shaking its head in impatience. It remarked, “Why not? Why not? I was just trying to say to you the same thing.”

Now the Hatter moved towards Alice and said, “I think you must have understood the puzzle.”

But Alice didn’t say anything. After a little while she stated, “I admit my defeat. Now tell me what the answer is.”

After thinking for a while the Hatter replied, “I don’t know what the answer is.”

At the same time the March Hare observed, “I too don’t know either.”

Now Alice was fed up with the remarks of both the Hatter and the March Hare. She took a deep breath and stated, Why are both of you wasting your precious time in asking useless riddles. Make the best utilization of time.”

The Hatter at once retorted, “Had you known time better, you would not have talked about wasting it.”

These words of the Hatter puzzled Alice once again. She started looking sideways. The Hatter further remarked, “I think you have never spoken to time.”

Thereupon Alice observed, “Yes, you are right in saying that I have never spoken to time. But one thing is for sure. I know I had to defeat time when I learnt music.”

Hearing the words of Alice the Hatter burst out in a peal of laughter. He observed, “But you can’t defeat time.

Had you been on good terms with Time, he would have supported you at every step. If it is breakfast time, he will convey you in advance. If it is time to take dinner, the clock will go round in the twinkling of an eye. So, be co-operative with time and then see the outcome for yourself.”

Alice felt very happy. She asked the Hatter if that was the only way managing time as per his wish. But the Hatter did not reply. He kept mum for some time. After a while he replied, “But this is not for sure. I had a quarrel with the March Hare last year. Afterwards, he went crazy.”

Showing a teaspoon he told that he had quarrelled using the spoon. He also told that the Queen of Hearts gave a wonderful concert last year. The stadium was packed to capacity. The whole audience praised her performance to the skies. He himself had sung a few lines in her praise. The few lines he sang were as follows—
Twinkle, Twinkle, little bat,
How I wonder what you have.

Then he said to Alice, “You must have heard this nursery rhyme. Are these the correct lines?” But Alice too had no idea of it. So, she replied very hesitatingly, “May be you are right. But I am not fully sure.”

Hearing the words the Hatter grew in confidence. He got excited and enthusiastic. He said to Alice, “Let me complete this nursery rhyme. It goes like this—
Up above the world it goes,
Like a diamond it roses.
Twinkle, Twinkle …

Alice clapped her hands and appreciated the rhyme of the Hatter. The dormouse which was asleep was disturbed badly. It too started singing the rhyme in its sleep. Only when did the Hatter pinch the dormouse, it went to sleep again.

The Hatter resumed his story saying, “I was singing the rhyme in such a fantastic fashion that the entire audience was all praise for me. The entire stadium echoed with the cheers of praise and appreciation. But the Queen of hearts was not happy at all with my performance. She stood up and shouted at the top of her voice, ‘Be off my eyes. Damn it! Go to Hell with this nonsense rhyme. He is just killing time. Put an end to him. He is wasting everybody’s precious time. He does not know about the nursery rhyme. Drive him away from here’.”

Hearing the pathetic tale of the Hatter Alice began to weep inconsolably. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Wiping her tears she exclaimed, “How barbaric and uncivilized the Queen of Hearts! Shame on her! Heaps of praise on you!”

The Hatter continued his story, “Dear! From that day onwards he does not do the thing I ask him to do. He always remains at six o’ clock. He has stayed there for ever. All my pieces of advice fall flat on him.”

Alice stated, “I see. I sympathize with you completely. Now I have understood why so many tea things have been put out there. I have come to learn each and everything.” Hearing the words the Hatter shook his head in the affirmative. Taking a deep breath he stated that it was always tea time.

After some time, the Hatter said to Alice in a mournful tone, “Dear! I am fed up with this subject. Would you tell me an interesting story? I am very much eager to listen to your story. Please do the needful and oblige.”

But Alice with a sad heart observed, “Dear! I would narrate if I could. But alas! I don’t know even a single story.”

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